The Faggiest Vampire

No, this isn't a review of Twilight. Those are the lamest vampires. A faggy vampire is something else entirely. In fact, The Faggiest Vampire is a bizarro children's book by Carlton Mellick III.

I know what you're thinking. I assume it's either "I's never read a book with the word Faggiest in the title to my children!" or "That Carlton Mellick III is obviously an evil homophobe!" To be honest, I'd probably agree with you on the first one, but, while I've never met CM3, and though he may very well be evil, I doubt he's a homophobe.

In this book, being faggy is a good thing. The faggiest vampire is the one with the best mustache, which also makes him the coolest guy in town. Someone who equates being faggy with being cool is probably not a homophobe, though equating coolness with mustaches is probably a sign of being evil or at least insane.

Despite the use of the word faggiest in the title, and the frequent use of it and faggy in the story itself,  this is a good book. I would certainly rate it as one of my favorite children's books that I've read as an adult. It's a cool, fun, simple  story with a message on what it really means to be cool and on the futility of revenge.

The only reason I don't give it a full five yo-yos is because of the title.

Bizarro Fiction Month Day 7: Slub Glub in the Weird World of the Weeping Willows

As the first week of Bizarro Fiction Month draws to a close, it's time to do a review for a book that I didn't actually buy for myself, which as with the other books I reviewed on days 2-6, is by an author I'll be reviewing again later. My nephew's birthday is this month, and I decided that since Eraserhead has a children's bizarro imprint, I should get a children's bizarro book for my nephew.   Out of the various Spunk Goblin Titles, as the imprint is called, I chose Andrew Goldfarb's Slub Glub in the Weird World of the Weeping Willows based largely on the fact that it was cheap enough to qualify for Amazon's 4-for-3 offer, which enabled be to get other bizarro books including another Goldfarb book, Hypno-Hog's Moonshine Monster Jamboree. Naturally, I decided to read Slub Glub myself before I gave it away.

Slub Glub is a really cool book. I just love Goldfarb's illustrations. They are just so weird. The story itself is written in a very simple style, which isn't unexpected since it is written for children. I should also say that the story is also very strange and a bit complicated.

The story is about a bizarre, blue, blobby, mutant thing called Slub Glub. Slub Glub wakes up one morning and discovers that his forest has been flooded because the willows have been weeping. The willows are weeping because racoons have been climbing them at night and chewing on their leaves. The racoons have climbing the willows to escape from the hyena's mockery. The hyenas are mocking the racoons...well this would go on for quite a while with a long list of improbable occurrences triggering each other and I'm not going to list them all.  These weird happening cause Slub Glub and a willow tree called Willowmina to go on a quest to try and put things right.

I think that this would be a really great bizarro book for kids (and adults). I also think that adults should enjoy it, too. I'm definitely  going to get Andrew Goldfarb's other books.

The Living Dead Boy and the Zombie Hunters by Rhiannon Frater

The Living Dead Boy and the Zombie Hunters is a pretty cool book. It's about Josh Rondell,  a boy who thinks zombies are cool and spends his time preparing for the zombie apocalypse. This being a horror novel, the zombie apocalypse actually happens, and he soon discovers that a zombie attack isn't as cool as he thought it would be.

He sees people he knows, and even a few people he loves, die and come back as flesh-eating zombies. He uses his knowledge to try and lead a small group of children to safety. He learns what it means to be a hero.

This book has a great story. It's full of action and emotion. It also has a fair amount of gore and violence, so some people might not feel it's appropriate for their children. Personally, if I had kids, I'd let them read this. I'd even recommend it to adults, because this is a really good book.

The Emerald Atlas by John Stephens

I got an advanced copy of The Emerald Atlas in the mail the other day. It's a young adult fantasy novel about three orphans who find a magic book.

My feelings on this novel are somewhat mixed. On the one hand, I enjoyed reading the book. The plot was reasonably exciting and fairly fast paced once it got moving. The premise was bit shaky in spots; in ancient times wizards made three super powerful magical books, any one of which could grant near god-like powers, but somehow their city was destroyed by Alexander the Great, and the books were lost. I know if I had those three books, it would take a lot more than Alexander the Great to stop me.

The main problem with the book is the language. I've read plenty of books written for teens and even children. For many of them, I wouldn't know they were written for younger people if it didn't say so in the book.  This is not one of those books. This is one of those books where the language is dumbed down, sometimes to an almost condescending level.

This isn't a bad book, but it's not all that great either. I might be tempted to pick up the rest of the series, but the author really needs to learn not to talk down to his readers.

Bed Bed Bed by They Might Be Giants

After spending a few months being lazy, I've decided to go back to writing reviews. I'll start off with a book by my favorite musical group, They Might Be Giants. Sadly, while their music is great, their book ain't.

It's not a bad book. It's just okay. It's basically just an illustrated version of four songs (also included on a CD). The illustrations are alright (though I have seen better). The problem is that while these songs work well as songs, they don't make great poetry. Shel Silverstein (for instance) is way better. I didn't like the book part that much.

Of course, there is also a CD. That was pretty good, even if it is only four songs. "Impossible" was the only song I didn't like. I loved "Happy Doesn't Have to Have an Ending." "Idlewild" was good but short. "Bed Bed Bed Bed" is a new, more lullaby-ish version of "Bed Bed Bed" from their No! album. So the CD would rate as a bit above average, but not much.

I give Bed Bed Bed a mediocre three yo-yos.

Roverandom, by J. R. R. Tolkien

Like most fantasy fans, I loved The Lord of the Rings, so I decided to pick up Roverandom the last time I was in Borders. I don't think it'ss ever be viewed as a classic like LOTR or The Hobbit, but it ain't half bad.

Like The Hobbit, Roverandom was written for children. This book was originally a story told by Tolkien to his children to console his middle son over the loss of a prized toy. It was never published in Tolkien's lifetime, and even the version of the manuscript used for this publication wasn't completely finalized (at least that's what I gather from the introduction).

Because of this, the story is a little rough. It's not bad, but I think it could have used a bit more of a polish. It's a very imaginative and entertaining story that children would certainly enjoy. I enjoyed it, and it's been a heck of a long time since I was a kid.

It's a decent book. Tolkien fans should get it, if they don't already have it. Fantasy fans should probably buy it too. I give Roverandom four yo-yos.

Kino No Tabi, by Keiichi Sigsawa

The Beautiful World 1: Kino No Tabi is a very strange book. It's about a girl named Kino and her talking motorcycle, Hermes. The two travel around visiting these weird city-states, where aspects of the world are taken to strange extremes.

The first story, "Grownup Country," is set in Kino's homeland, where all 12 year olds are required to undergo an operation to become grownups. Then there's "The Land of Shared Pain" where everyone has become an empath, which causes everyone to become hermits, because people don't want to know each other's emotions. There's "The Land of Majority Rule," where democracy is taken to a frightening extreme that leaves only one survivor. "Three Men on the Rails" is a story about three elderly men and their futile and pointless jobs. "the Land of Peace" is about a very horrible place full of awful, awful people. "Coliseum" is about a country where people are required to fight for citizenship.

While this book may be strange, it's very compelling. I'm definitely going to try and read the rest of the books in the series, and maybe find the anime. I give this one five yo-yos.

Eragon, by Christopher Paolini

With the movie coming out, and people saying how great it is, I figured it's about time I read Eragon. While I do think it was good, I don't really think it was all that great.

I don't like the writing style very much. I thought it seemed to be a bit simplistic. Yes, it was written for a younger audience, but so were the Harry Potter, Redwall, and Chrestomanci books (among others I've read), and those didn't have that same feel to them.

I also had some problems with the logic of the story. Near the end, there's an epic battle in a dwarven tunnel. This battle is between two fairly massive armies, so you've got to figure it's bigger than a football field. The tunnel is also high enough for a dragon to fly around overhead, which to my mind means that it's taller than my house. I can't see how anyone, even a dwarf, could make a tunnel that big without modern technology. I also can't see why anyone would bother making a tunnel that huge, if it isn't going to get much use (this one was supposed to have been practically abandoned).

Anyway, it's still at least a good book, I'll read the rest of the series eventually, and I'll probably see the movie even if--from the pictures I've seen--it looks like they didn't bother giving the elf pointy ears. I give Eragon four yo-yos.

Where's My Cow?, by Terry Pratchett

I just love the Discworld books. Pratchett is one of my favorite writers. So, I decided to get a copy of his Discworld book for little kids, Where's My Cow?. It's pretty good book.

I wouldn't consider it for the casual reader. It's a very short book, but that's what you'd expect from a children's picture book. The story it tells would be familiar to anyone who read Pratchett's Thud!, as it's told there as well.

So, who would I recommend this too, then? First, for fanatics, like myself. I want to read all the Discworld books. Second, I'd recommend it to parents (or other adults) who want to expose children to Discworld and Pratchett. I plan on getting another copy to give to my 1 and a half year old nephew as a Christmas present. Third, I'd recommend it to anyone with little kids and a sense of humor.

Looking at the Amazon reviews for this book, some people don't like it. Many people complained that the illustrations aren't the same as the ones from The Last Hero/don't look like they think Sam Vimes et al should look/suck. I think the illustrations are funny and go very well with the story. Some people complain that the language isn't appropriate. There is "Buggrit," which means "Bugger it," and would be a curse word in Britain, but I'm in America where it isn't, so that doesn't apply to me. Some people complained that the book wasn't suitable for children or just wasn't good. Those people probably had their sense of humor amputated.

I like Where's My Cow? enough to give it five yo-yos.

Conrad's Fate, by Diana Wynne Jones

I like Diana Wynne Jones books, especially the Chrestomanci ones. So, when I saw Conrad's Fate, I said "Ooh a Chrestomanci book," and I bought it. Sure, they are written for kids, but their still pretty darn good books even if you're an adult.

the only thing I didn't like about this book was that Conrad, the title character, was kind of stupid. Sure, he's just a kid, but even a twelve year old should have enough sense not to swallow all the crap Conrad's uncle feeds him. Would you believe you had bad karma requiring you to kill somebody? I know I wouldn't. I'd think that anybody bet a total moron would smell a setup. Conrad doesn't.

Other than that, it's a good book. Even I had a hard time figuring out what was going on before I read it. Usually, I can see the plot twists coming a mile away. I also like the characters Christopher Chant and Millie, who were in previous books.

If you like kid's fantasy, or just fantasy in general, you'll probably like this book. I give Conrad's Fate four and a half yo-yos.

You want Fries with That?

I don't know why, but for some reason, the name Ribbajack suggests a sandwich to me, rather than a monster. I could almost picture myself going to McDonalds and saying, "I'll take a Ribbajack, a small fries, and a large Coke." In actuality, Ribbajack is the title of a short story collection by Redwall author, Brian Jacques.

Like all of Jacques' books, Ribbajack is for children--this edition is listed as being for ages 9 and up on the back cover--but it can still be enjoyedd by adults. This book is in the tradition of his previous short story collection, Seven Strange and Ghostly Tales in that it too is a collection of horror stories for children, though only six in this case.

The first is "Ribbajack," is about a naughty little boy who hates everyone and summons a monster to get rid of an enemy. Then comes a smile and a wave, which is a fairly spooky ghost story about a girl who doesn't like her coat. "The All Ireland Champion Versus the Nye Add" is about a fisherman who tries to catch a mermaid. "The Mystery of Huma D'Este" is about a bully who runs into someone (or something) he can't bully. "Miggy Mags and the Malabar Sailor" is about a little girl, her pet mongoose, and her wicked uncle. "Rosie's Pet" is about a mean little girl who becomes a werewolf.

While I like the book, and all the stories are good, they aren't all great. "A Smile and a Wave" lacked a certain oomph, and I wasn't entirely satisfied with the ending of Rosie's Pet. Still I like the book enough to give it 4 and a half yo-yos.

Creepy

Ok, I actually finished reading Coraline two days ago. I've been kind of busy with some other things, and I haven't gotten around to posting (You'll probably hear about those other things in a few weeks).

Anyway Coraline is a great book, which isn't all that surprising as it's written by Neil Gaiman and has illustrations by Dave McKean. It's one of the creepiest books I've ever read, and despite being written for children--and being very short--it's really terrific.

The book is about a girl named Coraline who finds a mysterious door in her parent's flat (that's an apartment to us Americans).
This door leads to a strange world inhabited by weird version of Coraline's family and neighbors. The place was created by her Other Mother who is really a malevolent being that wants to eat Coraline's soul (or something). Coraline has to use her wits to defeat the fiend, rescue her family, and escape.

It's a really great book, though I would hesitate to read it to very young children, as it just might give them nightmares. I give Coraline 5 yo-yos.

Weirdness

I've been fond of the music of Weird Al Yankovic ever since I was a kid. I was also a fan of his short lived 1997 Saturday morning show, The Weird Al Show. Of course, I wasn't a kid then--I was 22 when in premiered--but I still had a fondness for Saturday morning TV and for Al. Which is a good thing, because it was a great show.

Now it's available on a 3 disc DVD set containing all 13 episodes. The show is similar to Pee Wee's Playhouse, though I don't like comparing Al to Pee Wee, since Al's never been caught spanking the monkey in a porno movie theater.

The basic plot is like this: Al is a TV show host who lives in a cave with his pet hamster. He has all sorts of wacky friends, like The Hooded Avenger and Val Brentwood - Gal Spy. In each episode, Al learns a valuable lesson with the help of these (and other) friends. He also watches TV a lot, with short parodies substituting for TV shows (the Fred Huggins show stuff is hilarious). He makes really gross foods, and Harvey the Wonder Hamster does the occasional death-defying stunt. He has a cartoon called Fat Man about an overweight, and rather dim witted, superhero and his hyper-intelligent hamster sidekick.

About the only thing that dates show are the musical guests. He had one just about every few episodes, but unfortunately they were bands designed to appeal to kids, and as such bands often do, they have largely faded into obscurity. The only one I still remember is Hanson, and the only thing I remember about them is that I though they were one of those lame-ass boy bands who were designed primarily to separate prepubescent girls from their money.

The has-been bands don't really detract from the series. The only thing is annoying is the fact that they've included all the show breaks (the WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK stuff), which gets old after the first episode. Despite that, I still give The Weird Al Show 4.5 yo-yos.




Note 10/06/06: I eventually listened to the commentary on the shows. It was very informative, but got a bit racy in points. I wouldn't recommend letting young children listen to the commentary. Not that I expect they'd want to.

Old MacDonald Wrote Some Books, EIEIO

Well, I finished The Light Princess last night, and now I'm finally getting around to writing about it. This isn't the first book by George MacDonald that I've read. I've also read Lilith, Phantasies, The Wise Woman, and maybe one or two others I can't remember offhand.

If you don't know, George MacDonald was one of the pioneers of fantasy fiction. He began did his writing in the 18th Century when other pioneers, like William Morris were still writing. He was way before Tolkien or Howard.

That said, his books--the ones I've read anyway--are very similar to fairy tales, especially this one. It follows one of the standard fairy tale plots:

King forgets to invite which to child's christening. Witch curses child. Prince arrives to break curse. Witch dies. Prince and Princess are married. They all live happily ever after.

Despite the fairly formulaic plot, the book has some very original elements. The princess is cursed with a lack of gravity, both literally and figuratively. Instead of having to climb a glass mountain or slay a dragon, the prince must sacrifice himself to break the curse. There are also two metaphysicians named Hum-Drum and Kopy-Keck, who provide some very good comic relief.

If you've never read MacDonald's work, you should. I give the Light Princess 5 yo-yos. Up next, I'm reading Ellen Kushner's Thomas the Rhymer.

Two In One Day

Maybe I should read children's books more often. I managed to finish Norton Jusher's The Phantom Tollbooth very quickly. So now, I actually have two posts in one day. I'm so happy.

That happiness stems, at least partly, from the book. It has to be one of the most imaginative stories I've ever read. It's about an ordinary, and rather bored, boy who travels to kingdom where figures of speech--and those sorts of things--are real and have lessons to teach. Important lessons too, not things like "always eat your vegetables" but "see things as they really are, not just as they seem to be."

While I would definitely call this book educational, it doesn't talk down to its readers, and it's not boring. It's full of interesting, oddball characters like the awful DYNNE and Canby--who is brave as can be and cowardly as can be among other things. There are also terrifying demons like the Terrible Trivium, demon of petty tasks and worthless jobs.

Overall, the book could be described as a sort of cross between L. Frank Baum's Oz books and Piers Anthony's Xanth books (though it predates Xanth by decades). In any case, I loved this one. I give The Phantom Tollbooth 5 yo-yos. Up next, will be the final children's book I got from Amazon, George MacDonald's The Light Princess.

Scrumdidlyumptious

Not surprisingly, seeing as how it's a children's book and very short, I finished Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in a matter of hours. It also helped that it is a good book. I know I'm way older than this book's intended audience, but I still liked it.

I've never actually read any of Dahl's books before, though I have seen both of the movies. I must say that I thought the original was way better. Normally, I like Johnny Depp, but I thought his Willy Wonka was just creepy--almost Michael Jackson creepy.

Anyway, as for the book, if you've seen either of the movies, you know the basic plot, which is pretty darn good. There is also some good dialogue, especially from Wonka, like:

And oh, what a terrible country it is! Nothing but thick jungles infested by the most dangerous beasts in the entire world--hornswogglers and snozzwangers and those terrible wicked wangdoodles. A wangdoodle would eat ten Oompa-Loompas for breakfast and come galloping back for a second helping.

About the only thing I didn't like were the Oompa-Loompa songs. They just didn't sound all that singable to me. For example:

Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!
That great big greedy nincompoop!
How long could we allow this beast
To gorge and guzzle, feed and feast
On everything he wanted to?

Not that good, is it? The songs from the first movie were much better.

Despite that, it is an excellent book for the young and the youg at heart. I give Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 5 yo-yos Up next is another children's book, The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. What can I say, Amazon was having a sale on children's books and I stocked up on fantasy related ones.

Two For One...

No, I’m not reviewing another omnibus. I’ve gotten so far behind in writing my review for Rakkety Tam that I’ve already finished Necroscope Three: The Source. So, I’m going to write reviews for both of them.

As you know—assuming you’ve read my other reviews—I’m a big fan of Brian Jacques’ Redwall series. I haven’t been too impressed with some of the more recent books in the series, however. Because of this, I wasn’t entirely certain whether or not this would be a good one. Luckily, it was.

This is one of my favorite books in the series. The villains in this one are definitely nasty; they’re cannibals! The titular hero of this book is a squirrel with a Scottish accent and a feisty temper. He is also the most interesting Redwall Champion that we’ve seen in years. You’ll also find all of the classic Redwall elements: riddles, songs, and of course, the feasts.

This book is highly recommended for the young and the young at heart. I give it 5 yo-yos.





Besides being a fan of Redwall, I’ve also recently become a fan of Brian Lumley’s Necroscope series. This is also a great book in a great series, though part of the jacket description is slightly misleading:

When Jazz Simmons, a British agent sent to infiltrate the base, is captured by the KGB ESP-ionage squad and forced through the portal, his last message tells Harry Keogh, necroscope, that the vampires are preparing for a mass invasion.

Jazz Simmons doesn’t send Harry a message; they don’t even know each other. Also, The vampires aren’t planning an invasion.

Other than that, this is a great story. Harry is a very interesting character, and he is much more of a presence in this story than he was in the previous novel. Also, there are several surprise plot twists that will keep you guessing.

Brian Lumley really knows how to write great horror. I give it 5 yo-yos.






Up next, I’m reading Orson Scott Card’s Lost Boys, which has absolutely nothing to do with the movie of the same name.

Moving Castle, Moving Story...

The main reason I decided to read Howl's Moving Castle, by Dianna Wynne Jones, is because of the recent movie version of it. I haven’t actually seen it, but I am a big enough fan of Miyazaki’s Spirited Away that I know I’ll get it when it comes out on DVD. Besides that, I’ve read Jones’ Chrestomanci books, and loved them, so I was reasonably certain that I would enjoy this book.

I was right; I did enjoy it. This book shows Jones’ flair for creating memorable characters and exciting plots. Howl’s Moving Castle tells the story of Sophie, a young girl who is turned into an old woman by the curse of the evil Witch of the Waste. Sophie moves into the castle of the lecherous wizard Howl and agrees to attempt to free his pet fire demon, who will break her curse if she succeeds. From there, things get even more interesting…

This book, as with some others I have reviewed, is written primarily for children. However, it is sophisticated enough that it can be enjoyed even by adults. The only thing I didn’t like about this book (and this may have only been my imagination) was that the opening chapters seemed to use language that was a little too simplistic, even for a children’s book. Still, by the time the action started up, I was too much into the plot to notice it anymore. I give this one 4 yo-yos.




Coming soon, Code of the Woosters (for real this time)!

The best Harry Potter book yet.

Ok, I just finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. As you may have guessed from the title of this entry, this is the best Harry Potter book yet. It's gripping, moving, and full of surprises.

Once you start reading this book, you'll have a heck of a time putting it down. That is a good thing, because you won't find out who the half-blood prince is, or what major character dies, until the final chapters of the book (and I'm not going to give away spoilers and say who they are, so don't ask). Besides that there's betrayal, romance, mystery, and adventure aplenty. The book is chock-full of interesting scenes and characters. The death scene itself was very moving, so much so that I was actually crying afterwards.

The death gives Harry another reason to go after Voldemort (and a certain other old enemy). The book also reveals what may be Voldemort's one weakness, which Harry will have to exploit to defeat his arch-foe. We are also told what Harry's plans are for the next book (and boy do they sound interesting). I can hardly wait for him to catch up with Voldemort and [name deleted to prevent spoilage].

If you're a fan of Harry Potter, you must buy this book. If you're not, then read this book and you will be. I give it 5 yo-yos.

Mattimeo

After my recent foray into children’s literature with Lemony Snicket, I decided to reread a book from one of my favorite children’s series: Brian Jacques’ Mattimeo. Mattimeo is the third volume in the Redwall series. While it isn’t my favorite of the Redwall books, it is a very enjoyable read.

In the story, Mattimeo is the spoiled son or Matthias, the Redwall Abby warrior. He and several other young Redwallers are kidnapped by Slagar and his band of slavers. The youngsters’ family and friends follow after to rescue them. Meanwhile, Redwall Abby is attacked by the forces of the merciless General Ironbeak. In the end, the evil doers are defeated, and almost everyone returns home, safe and sound.

All of the classic Redwall elements are present: feasts, villainous vermin, heroic mice, the spirit of Martin the Warrior, an attack on the Abby, riddles, songs, and heroic youngsters. When Jacques writes his books, he melds all of these elements together into a children’s book that can be enjoyed by just about anyone (even though it stars anthropomorphic animals). There are some moments of serious drama; I for one always cry when I get to the part where Mrs. Bankvole and Friar Hugo are murdered by Slagar and his Slavers.

The Redwall series is well worth reading no matter how old you are. Mattimeo is no exception. It’s a delightful and engrossing book. I’ll give it 5 yo-yos.




Coming Soon, Code of the Woosters, by P. G. Wodehouse.