Stop Clowning Around

Oh my God!

As you may remember, I occasionally like to rent B horror movies on DVD. When I run I run across something really bad, I review it here. If I ever find anything good, I'll review it here, too. Sadly, Mr. Jingles is not one of the good ones. It is a very, very bad movie.

It's basically a knock off of the Nightmare On Elm Street movies, only with a clown. I don't mean that the clown kills people in their dreams like Freddy did, I mean he makes jokes when he's killing. Unfortunately, unlike Freddy he's not even remotely funny. Nor, is he remotely scary. He just sucks. Almost everything in this movie sucks.

Things that don't suck: 1) The scary clown makeup; 2) The gore effects; 3) The lighting; 4) The sound. This is a step up from some of the movies I've panned. Some of them just had good gore effects and make up. Still, what this movie lacks is good acting, good dialogue, a plot that makes sense, and originality.

As I said, the plot is strongly reminiscent of A Nightmare On Elm Street. Mr. Jingles was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile (Freddy was a child killer). Mr. Jingles was beaten up by an angry mob (Freddy was killed by an angry mob). Mr. Jingles is killed after breaking out of prison and comes back from the dead for vengeance (Freddy comes back from the dead for vengeance). Mr. Jingles kills a bunch of teenagers and a few other people who get in his way (Freddy kills a bunch of teenagers).

Unfortunately, the plot is much lamer than Nightmare's. They never really explained how Freddy came back, but Mr. Jingles, despite being in a mental hospital (or jail, the plot wasn't all that clear on this), and despite being brutally abused and raped by guards and fellow inmates, manages to get ahold of a book on demonology and learns black magic. This enables him to cast a spell as he lays dying, so he can come back to kill again. (By the way, did you ever here a gun go "click, click, click" in a movie instead of "bang!" or something. If you want to see that, then watch this movie, because that's what the gun that kills Mr. Jingles does.)

The ending is really stupid too. A guy who's supposed to be dead somehow miraculously survives and shows up to save the heroine from the cops. Then Mr. Jingles kills the cops. There's nothing even remotely resembling a resolution to the plot. It's like a TV episode that's "To Be Continued," only there's no way in Hell I'd ever watch the next part of this piece of crap. It gets 1 yo-yo, and that's being generous.

An amateurish piece of crap

Normally, I don't review movies very often, but when I rent one that is a god-awful piece of crap, I feel obligated to warn people against (if I ever rent something that is unexpectedly great, I'll probably review that too). Anyway, this past weekend,
I rented several movies, one of which was Dead Life.

This is the most amateurish movie I have ever seen. The acting ranged from horrible to mediocre. The film seemed to have been shot on an old-fashioned home-movie camera, by someone who'd never held a camera before. The sound was so bad in spots that the dialogue was indecipherable. The lighting was poor, as there were several scenes where it was either too dark or too light to see properly. The writing was just horrible, with a nonsensical plot and dialogue that sounds like it was written by a high school student. Don't think that the movie was completely terrible, they seem to have actually spent some money on the gore make up. Unfortunately, that was the only thing they seem to have put any money or effort into.

Stay away from this movie. I give it 1 yo-yos.

A very, very bad movie...

Okay, before I write about the new Harry Potter book, I'd like to warn you about a very bad movie I had the misfortune to rent called Shadows of the Dead. I was lulled in by the summary on the back:

"A couple's weekend getaway turns into a nightmare after they are stranded in the woods and discover what they assume to be a dead body. The assumption is wrong and John (Jonathan Flanigan) and his girlfriend Jennifer (Beverly Hynds) are infected with a deadly disease that will soon ravage their bodies. With no place to go, and no one to turn to, they are forced to find shelter in a deserted cabin. This is where they'll find safety, but this is also where they'll experience a slow and torturous death. They must come to terms with their inevitable deaths, the temptation to kill others to sustain their own lives, and the consequences of murder. They will cling to one another's love and support, but in the end.... all great love stories end tragically."

Don't be fooled. This movie is more horrible that horrific. The people involved seem to have no idea of the meaning of "dramatic tension." The only really tense part comes in the beginning when the unappealing, young couple are in their car, with a flat tire, in the middle of a dark forest. There is a zombie outside, unfortunately, it is a very stupid zombie (even by zombie standards) and can't be bothered to muster a serious attack (though it does manage to infect the main characters). After that the film is mostly the two main characters sitting around talking about how horrible it is to be a zombie. There is one scene of gratuitous (and fundamentally unsatisfying) violence.

My recommendation is that you should never buy this movie. I would only recommend renting it if you have insomnia. My rating is 1 yo-yo. This movie is only useful as a soporific of a coaster.